Revision

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Revision

Organization | Overview on Revision | Framing an Argument | Titles and Introductions | Conclusions | Developing Arguments | Setting up Quotes | "Real Life" | Adding a Secondary Source | Proofreading

Day 1

1. Organization
1. Thesis statement: definition? Wording?
2. Topic sentences
1. Do Topic Sentences refer back to thesis and division?
2. Does essay follow order of division?
3. Reword for clarity?
4. Provide a smooth transition between paragraphs from one division to another
5. Where can you subdivide a division?
2. Framing an argument in the paragraph
1. Define terms?
2. Explain how division will prove your point.
3. Titles and Introductions
4. Sources
1. Two kinds: literary criticism; content/informational
2. Where to include sources?
3. What are good sources? What are not so good sources? What are the sources that I should avoid like the plague?
4. Where to find sources? Homework: find at least two sources, annotate, and bring it to next class

Day 2 

1. Making arguments
1. Using repetition (Honzell's first body paragraph)
2. "Camping out" on a quote: explaining how individual words explain your point or contribute to your meaning (example 1; example 2)
3. Argumentative discourse: words/phrases to use when making an argument.
4. Explaining quotes; (example 1; example 2)
5. Setting up an argument in a paragraph (again)
6. Setting up quote
7. Using analogies/history to make your point clearer
8. Engaging the Reader
2. Incorporating secondary sources
   1. Avoiding plagiarism (worksheet)
   2. Setting up quote (student examples)
   3. Explaining quote

In class work

Secondary Sources

1. Determine where the secondary source would help your argument
2. Set up source by providing credentials and foreshadowing for reader what to focus on in the quote from the source
3. Explain how the quote supports your argument.

See How To Incorporate Secondary Sources and Secondary Sources for more specifics.

Making Arguments
Choose one paragraph: using Honzell’s paragraphs as examples, try to replicate her

• Focus and organization: note how each paragraph is closely organized around a topic sentence which refers back to a division and the thesis.

Use repetition

• Explanation: note how her paragraphs slowly and carefully work through a reasoned and logical explanation of how the quote/example she’s chosen proves the quote.

Use the list of suggestions in the shadowed box under Honzell’s sample paragraphs.

Keeping a paragraph focused:

• Using Ms. Schriber’s paragraph as an example, work on making sure every sentence in your paragraph is connected and logically follows the previous point.

Use repetition and connecting words/phrases: “This”  “____ shows that”

Overview on Revision
Adapted from The Concise Guide to Writing

The goal of revision is simple: to make your essay more accurately express what is on your mind to another person. You'll find that even though you've spend hours planning and writing a first (or second, or third) draft, your essay will still need work if your goal is (as it should be) to fully communicate your ideas. You have two choices: 1) give up and watch reruns of Happy Days, or 2) roll up your sleeves and get work. Surprisingly, experienced writers know that good writing takes many drafts, and thus know that the real writing doesn't begin until the first drafts are out of the way. Then they discover ways to delete, move, rephrase, and add material in order to say what they want to say more clearly and thoughtfully.

While a first draft (or zero draft) is a time for low expectations, when you shift from drafting to revision, the times change: it's now time for high expectations. Don't be satisfied with what's written: keep pushing yourself to make it more interesting and more specific. In fact, I've found that the students who are sure that "this is the best paper I've written" often need more work on their essays, while the students who aren't fully satisfied with their work often do well.

What these latter students have is a positive attitude towards writing. They realize that essays aren't "born" (i.e. written in one or two sittings), but are "made" by attention to details. This positive attitude is crucial when you look in despair at your first draft and think "Uh oh!" Don't just give up if you think most of your essay isn't any good (most writers feel this way). The key is to divide the work into a series of steps: start with just your organization, then rest, then work on individual paragraphs, one at a time. This makes the revision process seem less onerous -- it may even make it fun.

View the Draft Objectively
To revise, you must read your draft objectively, to see if it actually says what you intended it to say. If you can, put the draft aside for a day or two. Getting critical comments from another reader (get them to answer the specific revision questions in the textbook instead of just reading it and then asking "well, whadda' think?") can also help you to view the draft more objectively.

Reconsider Your Purpose and Audience
Take another look at the assignment sheet and the textbook. Are you fulfilling the purpose? Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish. Does your purpose still seem appropriate for these particular readers? How could you modify the essay to make it more effective? Consider each problem and possible solution in light of your overall writing strategy.

Revise in Stages
After your organization is clear, focus on one paragraph at a time, make sure it is focuses on one topic and logically moves from sentence to sentence. Now's the time to add those descriptive details that help the reader "see" your point.

Look at Big Problems First
Organize, organize, organize. Identify major problems that keep the draft from achieving its purpose. Does the essay have a clear thesis, clear divisions, and clear topic sentences? Are the ideas interesting and well developed? Does the essay have all the features that readers will expect? (again, look at assignment sheet and textbook).

Focus Next on Clarity and Coherence
Consider the beginning. How well does it prepare readers for the essay? Look at each section of the essay in turn. Do the paragraphs proceed in a logical order? Are there appropriate transitions to help readers follow from one point to the next? Are generalizations firmly and explicitly connected to specific details, examples, or supporting evidence?

Save Stylistic Changes and Grammatical Corrections for Last
Do not focus on word choice or sentence structure until you are generally satisfied with what you have written. Then carefully consider your style and diction. Focus primarily on key terms to be sure they are appropriate and well defined.

Organization

As you probably remember from English I, real writing starts after your rough draft is finished: and since your rough draft is finished, it's time to start really writing. To give you a clearer idea of the kind of writing expected in this course, below you'll find several sample paragraphs from previous students that you should use as a guide as you work your way through your revisions. And of course the plural "revisions" in the previous sentence means that, just as the writing process involves several steps, revision works best when you take it in stages. The first stage, as the heading above suggests, is organization.

The following work is from Janet Honzell's final draft.

Thesis Statements And Topic Sentences

In the sentences below, you'll find the skeleton of an essay. First is the thesis and what follows are the topic sentences that start each of the student's paragraphs. Two things from this example you should look to include in your own essays are the repetition of the words from the divisions, and that several paragraphs were used for one division. Note, as well, how the rather blunt repetition doesn't seem stiff -- in fact, it helps the sentences stay connected.

Definition and thesis

Topic sentences

Framing the Argument in a Paragraph
Readers often need additional information after your topic sentence to help them understand the connection between your division and thesis.  This helps you frame or set up the argument for your reader by helping them "see" the point you're going to make in the paragraph. 

Consider the examples below.

Draft

Revision

Titles and Original and then Revised Introductions

In academic writing, colons are often used in titles to separate a "catchy" title from a more specific one. See below for an example

This allows you to be creative yet clearly state the subject of your essay.

Introductions

If the purpose of an introduction is to engage the reader and provide an overview of your topic, and the purpose of your rough draft was to get your thoughts down, it's probably time to rewrite your introduction. Try the following suggestions -- and remember that in literary essays, you should mention the authors and titles you'll be covering.

• analogy
• contemporary/historical events
• explain focus of essay
• personal connection

See below for several before and after introductions.

Original #1
Symbolism lays an important role for an author when he/she is forming a novel. Symbolism is one of the most widely used literary tactics for hiding a meaning in a novel or story. In “A Rose for Emily” William Faulkner, the author, uses symbolism to show the withering of the Southern aristocracy. Faulkner does this through his vivid descriptions of Miss Emily's house and possessions, Miss Emily's love interest, and the change in government.

Revised #1
Picture a beautiful rose given to a lovely woman by her one and only love. The rose starts to wither and than eventually turns completely black. An author writing a story may use change from something beautiful to something dark to symbolize the fading of the couple's love. Symbolism is a widely used tactic for authors who want to ‘hide' useful pieces of information, William Faulkner does this quite well in his story “A Rose for Emily.” He uses vivid descriptions of Miss Emily's house and possessions, her personal life, and the subtle change in government to symbolize the withering of the Southern aristocracy.

Better work here developing an idea that pulls reader into story.

Original #2
For walker, heritage, in Everyday Use, is taking pride in where one comes from and she proves this by telling us where they live, what they do, and about the quilts. Heritage is based on appreciation, acceptance, and contentment. To appreciate who you are and where you are from, one must accept themselves and be happy with not only themselves but their family too.

Revised #2
For Alice Walker, heritage in “Everyday Use,” is taking pride in where one comes from and she proves this by telling us where they live, what they do, and about the quilts. Growing up ashamed of your family, or even ashamed of your true self, does not show pride in heritage. Alice walker shows the two differences of pride and shame when she writes this story. Dee and Mrs. Johnson, the mother and oldest daughter, in this story symbolize these two perceptions of heritage.

This introduction could use more work -- it's essentially the same as the original.

Original #3
As life-shattering events unfold around us on a daily basis, there is an increasing need to have faith, and to believe in the very people intertwined in our lives. We search for truth and understanding on the difficult journey we call life, constantly struggling. We struggle to find credibility in everyday occurrences, as Gimpel searched for in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool”. Is Gimpel a fool for needing to believe in those around him and using his faith to guide his actions? When a man seeks advice from wiser men, acts with caution and lives his life believing and trusting his faith, he is clearly not a fool.

Revised #3
Events such as the recent string of devastating hurricanes, the war in Iraq and even the events that unfolded on September 11th, 2001, force us to confront our relationships with others. They lead us to search for truth and understanding on the difficult journey we call life. But sometimes smaller, more personal struggles, like harassment from a boss at work, rude neighbors, or problems in a relationship, can lead to a similar revaluation. This more personal struggle is faced by the character Gimpel in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool.” The story involves Gimpel's search for peace in a hostile environment. The title and the story raises a question: is Gimpel a fool for needing to believe in those around him and using his faith to guide his actions? It becomes clear in the story that three qualities in Gimpel, seeking advice from wiser men, acting with caution, and living his life believing and trusting his religious faith, show that he is not a fool.

Extensive revisions here. The result? An intro that pulls the reader in and sets up the essay.

Original #4
Gimpel, in “Gimpel The Fool” is not really a fool because of his ability to have faith, believe, and forgive others. A fool is defined as one who lacks judgment, sense, or understanding. Although Gimpel is called a fool by his peers, the story suggests otherwise as his actions show that rather than lacking these characteristics, he possesses them.

Revised #4
Many people can recall knowing someone back in middle school that was usually picked on or teased. During those years, I was very shy and quiet, which made me an easy target to ridicule. One thing I never did was open my mouth and talk back to the people that teased me. I, like Gimpel in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel The Fool” knew that talking back would only cause more problems and make me look like a fool -- like one of them. So I, like Gimpel, quietly accepted their teasing. Did that make me a person who "lacks judgment, sense, or understanding"? Did that make me a fool? Isn't it better to forgive? Although Gimpel is called a fool by his peers since he believed all the lies they told him, the story suggests otherwise as his actions show that he has the ability to have faith, accept, and forgive others.

Again, extensive revisions here. The personal connection worked well as did the shift to the story.

Revised #5
Heritage: The Unending Link between Families

When I was young, my aunt gave me a golden bracelet for being a flower girl in her wedding. To many, a bracelet’s only purpose is to be worn around the wrist as an outfit accessory, but for this particular golden bracelet it stands for much more. When the two ends are brought together, it forms a circle; a shape that is never-ending and symbolic for unity. The symbolic nature of the bracelet signifies the relationship my aunt and I share and it also reminds me of all the memories that were experienced together. I consider this to be a part of my heritage and plan to one day make it a tradition with one of my nieces. Receiving that bracelet was very special and when the only connection between relatives is the heritage they share, every piece of family history becomes that much more important. Hassan M. A. Al Naboodah, the Dean of the Libraries at the United Arab Emirates University, believes that “the preservation of heritage ensures continuity between the generations.” In the short story “Everyday Use,” Alice Walker delves deeper into the meaning of heritage through the portrayal of a family’s lifestyle choices. Walker expresses her view of heritage as the connection between relatives. She portrays this by having Mrs. Johnson make daily use of family heirlooms, preserve the traditional value of the name “Dee,” and patch together old quilts with memorable clothing from family members.

Conclusions
Avoid merely summing up your main points (sure to invoke the yawn reflex). Try to answer or refer back to your introduction -- this creates a kind of "circle" for the reader and results in a very satisfying read.

You can also answer the question "What's it all mean?" Now that readers have completed the essay, what larger meaning can they derive from your arguments?

Developing an Argument

For a detailed example of what an argument looks like, let's look at Ms. Honzell's first few body paragraphs.

One of the elements that makes this a satisfying read is the clear organization that guides you through the paragraphs, with each topic sentence referring clearly back to her division. Note how her first topic sentence repeats the focus word "education" from the division, allowing the reader to quickly think "Oh yeah, she did say she was going to talk about education."

Notice that the next paragraph expands further on the idea of education – and to be sure the reader doesn't get lost, Janet again uses repetition – "school of life" – to guide the reader through her information.

Oddly, the repetition of focus words from the division statement doesn't seem forced or unnatural, which is something to keep in mind as you revise your own thesis and topic sentences.

Janet's meticulous explanations – repeating words from quotes, using "Walker" to keep readers focused on thesis, etc. – makes for a very convincing argument. I especially like how she makes the story "come alive" in the third paragraph, imagining a scene under the elm tree which vividly illustrates her argument that family memories – school of life – is more important than the book knowledge of Dee. While some additional proofreading would have smoothed out the rough edges of her prose, overall, you read the paragraphs and have to say "Yep, she's right" – which is the mark of a good argument.

Karen Schreiber does a fine of explaining her thinking in the following paragraph. In particular, note how she doesn't stop at the quote: her explanations are what make for a fine argument.

Her thesis was as follows

One of her body paragraphs follows

The example paragraphs below offer a mixture of writing that's strong and writing that needs work.

Example 1
The description of Emily's house suggests the death and decay of the upper class. Readers and authors alike depend on the description of the setting in a story to give them a sense of atmosphere, a better understanding of the characters and above all, the message of the story. Take for example, the pitiful description of Emily's home. William Faulkner illustrates that "it was a big, squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been our most select street" (308). During the Pre-Civil War time, a person’s home and land were looked upon as a way to measure their wealth.  The more a home was “larger than life”, the wealthier, more powerful and higher up in society the person who owned it was.  Faulkner notes that Emily’s home was once “an eyesore among eyesores” (308). This suggests that Emily was once of a high class in the Old Southern society because of her once impressive home.  The writer adds that "only Miss Emily's house was left, […] decay above the cotton wagons and the gasoline pumps” (308).  The decaying of this once magnificent stronghold has become the physical representation that the Old South is dying off. Emily's home has become a remnant of what the Old South once was. The readers no longer see the wealthy and power of the Old South, but rather the extinction of an old Southern lifestyle. In the same way the author uses our sight to demonstrate the message of the story; he also uses our sense of smell to stress the importance of the decaying home.  Faulkner describes that her home "smelled of dust and disuse- a close, dank smell"(309). This emphasizes the decay and death of people in the upper-class. Those of the Old South are now dust in the cold and dank ground; a place where they are no longer of use. Nonetheless, no longer does the Old South live in its glory days, but rather in its death through Emily's decaying home.

Example 2
Decay is not only evident in Emily's physical being, but also in her home.  The house too serves as a mirror for the Southern aristocracy's deterioration. Like Emily, the house's decay truly sets in after the death of Emily's father and the loss of her lover, Homer Barron.  Initially, the smell was the first indication of decay, which was cured when the townspeople "broke open the cellar door and sprinkled lime there, and in all the outbuildings"(30).  Then came the visual decay:  "It was a big, squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and spires and scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been our most select street"(28).  The outside deterioration and smell were the only public indications, since "no one save an old manservant-a combined gardener and cook-had seen it[inside the house] in at least ten years"(28).
        
Example 3
Just as her house represented the decay of Southern aristocracy, Emily herself represented the last bastion of Southern nobility.  Emily's refusal to relinquish the past, a past steeped in tradition and heritage, had become a symbol of decay and deterioration. To illustrate, Emily -- once a young delicate flower of Southern womanhood -- had grown into a frumpish old woman: "She looked bloated, like a body long submerged in motionless water, and of pallid hue" (29). Emily's body had become fat and out of proportion in the same way that the old South had become out of proportion with the rising generation of Southerners. In addition to this physical deterioration, Emily's mental state was also on a rapid decline. Her steadfast refusal to deny the present and hold on to past caused her much mental grief and anguish.  Emily denied the death of Colonel Sartis, a member of the old generation of Southerners. Colonel Sartis was a link to the South's once glorious days. She admonished the deputation "See Colonel Sartis I have no taxes in Jefferson" (30). In refusing to accept that the Colonel was dead she was further able to deny the demise of Southern aristocracy and the birth of the new South.  Emily was gradually becoming more mentally unstable. The refusal to also acknowledge the death of her father years before also illustrates her precarious mental state. When her dear father died she did not don mourning clothes and act as a grief stricken daughter might. Instead she denied his passing to herself and the townsfolk who had made a condolence call. It was not until the authorities were almost called that she allowed his decomposing body to be buried. As Emily's grasp on reality began to rapidly wane, her denial of the death and decay that surrounded her was also mounting. Her mental state had so deteriorated that when her Yankee lover tried to leave her she refused to let him go. She chose to poison him and to keep the decaying corpse in a shrine like room, a fitting tribute to the death and deterioration of her house, herself and Southern aristocracy.

The obvious question is which paragraph works better? It's clear that example three, with its detailed explanations and examples, makes a convincing argument.

Use "Real Life" Comparisons

When making connections/explanations from the example to your argument, try comparing the quote/situation to "real life" – how do people, in general, react to such events/statements. Example? Okay. In an essay on Sammy (of "A&P" fame) as an everyday hero, you can compare his character flaws with the apparent absence of such flaws in a stereotypical hero like a New York firefighter (of course, you would note how the first person point of view helps reveal Sammy's flaws). Since ignorant readers don't usually grasp your explanation the first time, you need to compensate by explaining how your quote supports your argument from several different perspectives. Keep in mind that this – the explanation – is the basis of your argument, and the quality of your argument, not the work you put into the essay, or your great examples, is what determines your grade.

© David Bordelon